Why the iPhone Can Go Suck a Dick

Maybe a better title for this article would be, "Why I would stop worrying and love the iPhone, if it could suck a dick." But alas, I wasn't clever enough to come up with a title that good, so I guess I need to stick to what I've got. So let me explain to all the fanboys and the trendy little apple aficionado pussies out there, why the iPhone is overrated piece of techno-ass-juice.

Problem #1: Keyboard
What's the problem? There fucking isn't one! I'm a nerd. I'm proud of being a nerd. But one of the drawbacks is that, like most members of the nerdus-erectus family, I have fat sweaty fingers. I'm not excessively overweight, or even fat really (although I'm still working on turning the moobs into muscles), but it is completely fucking impossible for me to hit the key I am trying to hit on that goddamn iPhone. Why is this? Because there are no button outlines to guide my chubby little titty-grabbers to the appropriate keys. I try and type on that piece of shit and I feel like an Armenian Steve Jobs is laughing at me screaming "NO KEYS, ONLY SCREEN AND CRAB JUICE!"

Problem #2: Applications
What's the problem? The fucking AppStore. So let me get this straight. I'm a developer. I can get the iPhone SDK. I can write a kick-ass application for it that allows you to remote-control a life-size midget sex-robot from the comfort of your iPhone. But Apple has something against midget sex-bots! FUCKING RACISTS PRICKS! And they wont let me publish my awesome Fuck-Dwarf Remote Controller (patent pending) in their little AppStore. And if it's not in their AppStore, it just wont work (i actually need to fact-check that, but lets assume its true for the purposes of this paragraph). Not unless your iPhone is jailbroken. Now I've done the research, and almost 90% of the pigmy-pussy-bot enthusiasts have iPhones, but for the most part they're a stupid breed (after all, they use apple products and think it's high-tech), so only 2% of them have their iPhones unlocked. So where does that leave me? With thousands of robotic-little-person-fuck-dolls that's won't stop finger-banging themselves due to lack of a remote control, until they eventually gain sentience, rise up and murder us all (after fucking the shit out of us). Thanks a lot Steve!

Problem #3: The Apple Store/Genius Bar
Whats the problem? Have you ever been to an Apple Store? Have you ever spoken to an employee at an Apple Store? Let me rephrase that... Have you ever spoken to an Apple Store employee that you didn't want to strangle, slowly, with piano wire, the second he/she (yes i'm including the women-folk) opened his/her mouth? I didn't think so. They're tools. At least every single one I've encountered, has been a total and complete fucktard. And if you disagree, FUCK YOU. Ok, so maybe I'm not the easiest customer to deal with. Maybe I have preconceived notions about Apple Store employees that would result in me being a little more prick-ish than usual when one speaks to me. I'll give you that for the employees, but not the Genius Bar. What kind of asshole would open something called the Genius Bar, and fill it with 20-something, self-important, mildly-retarded douche-bags. I'm sorry, but a black t-shirt, a bad attitude and a neck-beard does NOT qualify you as a genius. And on the subject of your Apple Store T-shirts... First, black is not slimming. Whoever told you that is a dirty, filthy, disease-ridden, whore-mongering liar. I can still see your man tits, get a fucking shirt with buttons. Second, I know how cool you think your shirt is. You think it will get you laid. But maybe you should do some crunches first, so, ya know, you can see your own dick without looking in a mirror. To me those shirts just scream "I think I'm cooler than you even though I make $8 an hour and have never touched a girl's pooter." (I should make it known that I actually have no idea what Genius Bar employees get paid. There's actually a good chance they make more than me. It just makes me hate them that much more.)

Problem #4: Keyboard
Yeah, I know I already covered it, but it's a big fucking problem! If you can't use the keyboard on the goddamn thing without wanting to chuck it through a fucking window with a note tied to it that says "EAT SHIT AND DIE", then it really says a lot about the design and usability of such a feature. Fuck you Armenian Steve, and your fucking crab juice!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my first article, and I hope you didn't take it too seriously (except for the part about the robotic sex midgets, that's totally true). And if you're an apple fanboy, please post your hatred away, and I will try to respond in a decent and dignified manner. And if I am unable to do so, I'll be happy to come to your house, cut off your head, and neck-fuck your twitching corpse until you are satisfied.

Love,
G